If you’re just joining us, or need a refresher on previous lessons, please refer to the syllabus for the purpose of this series and a list of previous lessons. Thanks!
The world is full of obvious things, which nobody by any chance ever notices. - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Today’s lesson is one that blew my mind and that I imagine will be dutifully rejected by many people’s natural world view because of how we’ve been conditioned throughout our lives (and by our genetics) to believe the opposite. Today’s lesson is about our reward circuitry and its link with masturbation, sex and ultimately, orgasm. We’ve been trained our whole lives to make evidence-free assumptions about what a “healthy sex life” entails, and how daily orgasm is nothing but a boon on one’s mental and physical state. Corporate news are the first to shout to the top of their lungs when a study arrives espousing the benefits of frequent sexual experiences, while their commercials feature sexual imagery and subtle criticisms of their viewers sexual prowess in order to drive more sales. Unfortunately, the truth of orgasm couldn’t be further from this delusion pushed upon us: in fact, we might actually be driving ourselves insane with too much orgasm. Does that sound impossible? By this point, we have studied our internal biochemistry, individuals that are more sensitive, and the different orders of consciousness. Today, we will use what we know now to investigate our biochemistry and behaviors surrounding one of our main drives as humans, sex.
Today’s lesson revolves around the incredibly interesting book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. Previously a lawyer, Robinson was not immune to rocky relationships, inspiring her to search within ancient wisdom and modern science to understand why our love lives couldn’t be more simple. Her research has brought to the table evidence, combining thousands of years of knowledge with contemporary scientific findings, against the conventional wisdom of human sexuality and relationships. In addition to her insights on sexuality, her explanations of our reward circuitry and how dopamine works are impeccably clear and easy to understand. Let us take a look are her summary of what she found [page 1]:
Having sex to the point of satiety (that “I’m done!” feeling) is a mammalian mating signal to lose interest in one mate, and find novel mates appealing.
Even though humans are pair-bonders, the habit of pursing passion to the point of quenching desire can set off unsuspected mood swings, cause resentment toward a lover, and erode attraction (Cupid’s poison).
There are two fundamentally different ways of making love: one for fertilization, and one for trigger closer bonding (karezza).
It may seem at times that we have utterly forgotten what the purpose of sex was: to procreate. Most living things in nature have ways to breed, and continue their genetic lineage. Many are designed almost solely to complete that purpose in life. We mustn't assume that the human species doesn’t have that very same built-in drive, and that drive is incredibly powerful in ways we need to be conscious of. We are driven to have sex, in order to create offspring, by a part of ancient programming that has been guiding our species since time immemorial. Our main primal drives, to eat, sleep and have sex, all originate from what we should call the subconscious “mammal brain.” The part of our brain that makes us humans stand out in nature is our frontal cerebral cortex, which is where much of our conscious thought, decision-making and logic occurs. The “mammal brain” is linked directly into our frontal cortex, which creates this strong feedback loop: when the “mammal brain” has primal urge, it subtly has the frontal cortex convince itself to take action. When you’re deep within the throes of dopamine craving, your mammal brain can make your logical thought processes more pathological. Hopefully, I haven’t lost you yet.
The mammal brain is also a major factor of what is referred to as the “reward circuitry” of the brain, this is just a fancy way of saying the complex interactions between receptors, ligands and neural connections linked to “feeling good.” Our focus will be on a neurochemical ligand with a reputation: dopamine. I used to assume I knew what dopamine is, and its effects, however now I believe dopamine is misunderstood by many. Dopamine is what activates our reward circuitry, simply put, dopamine is what motivates us. Just enough dopamine flowing means one is functioning just right, has no problems getting motivated to do even the usual chores, hygienic tasks, and other regular activities in the daily human life. Too much dopamine creates strong motivations that appear to be compulsive, such as binge eating or defensive, hostile behavior. Too little dopamine, and one is lost in a fog of apathy and depression. When we are close to satisfying our drives, particularly drives that originate from our mammal brain, dopamine flows stronger to make us feel good about the accomplishment. Dopamine gets a bad rep because excessive dopamine is rightfully associated with substance and behavioral addictions, nonetheless we cannot ignore the fact that we need dopamine to function and to learn (addiction, at its core, is learned). Thus, the dilemma is in balance.
Our reward circuitry has a major built-in flaw that we must address before anything else: your reward circuitry doesn’t serve you, it serves your genetic drives. Your reward circuitry wants you to sleep with as many people as possible to increase the chances of having offspring and continuing your genetic lineage. Your genetics want you to consume as much calorie dense foods as possible. It rewards you with a rush of dopamine when you do what your genes demand of you. This circuitry has no interest in your academic or professional goals, or your heartache and loneliness. Imagine a time before civilization: for our ancestors, mates and calorie dense foods were rare, not even mentioning the non-existence of flickering lights, video games or sexy advertisements. We are now constantly bombarded with near-unlimited access to experiences our ancestors couldn’t even dream of. It wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that our ancestors were far less stimulated than we are today, and therefore far less imbalanced chemically. The question now is: what does suprastimulation do to us?
Recall my very first lesson about receptors and ligands: the more of a ligand present, the less sensitive their receptors become, to the point that some receptors deactivate. Dopamine works precisely in this way. When one is experiencing a powerful dopamine rush without self-control, the pleasure begins to numb and wane from the same amount of stimulation, therefore driving a need for even more stimulation. For example: when I smoke cannabis, I feel strong compulsions to eat carbohydrate rich foods, play video games or masturbate/have sex. Despite enjoying the high of the smoking session, it avalanches into a desire for more dopamine increasing behaviors or substances. The anticipation to these activities increases drastically during the high, creating a shift in neurochemistry that develops a stronger demand for more dopamine, having a profound effect on behavior.
The post-coitus burst of behavioral neurochemical chaos is even more profound than just excessive dopamine. Robinson refers to this withdrawal period as “The Passion Cycle.” Most people will spend the majority of their lives not realizing that these symptoms come from orgasm withdrawal. Let us take a look at the symptoms of the two weeks post-orgasm:
Restlessness
Irritability
Dissatisfaction
Desire for less contact with others
Weepiness
Anxiety
Fatigue
Hostility
Fuzzy thinking
Feelings of insecurity
Emotional neediness
Compulsive analysis of self or lover
Jealousy
Burning desire for escape, relief or oblivion
Cravings for substances or activities that raise dopamine
Attraction to other potential partners
The extreme form has been dubbed “post-orgasmic illness syndrome” (POIS), typified by:
Headaches
Debilitating brain fog
Exhaustion
Muscle aches
Severe social anxiety
Our bodies and minds have a balanced state they would prefer to be in, called homeostasis. An orgasm can throw off homeostasis for at least two weeks. I’ve known many people that have debilitating social anxiety, with strong feelings of depression and insecurity. Concurrently, these very same people are dependent on masturbation and sex on a near daily basis. If you suffer from chronic symptoms of the above, take a look at the frequency of orgasm that you “enjoy,” I would hazard to guess that it has been an extraordinarily long time since you’ve actually felt homeostasis, and weren’t just drowning in a post-coital storm of ligands. Please, don’t imagine that I’m berating you, or trying to shame you; the reality is that it took me 24 years to figure out what I was doing to myself, and I still struggle against the primal urges of my mammal brain and reward circuitry, because I spent 24 years teaching my body that frequent orgasm, whether via pornography or using women for sex (instead of genuinely making love) was a solace in my life. I strain under the weight of this knowledge, and the darkness of this truth constantly attempts to drag me under into an anguish of depression and rage, when I observe back at my life and what it was and what it could have been. I do feel shame, but I have come to understand that shame is a powerfully constructive emotion if directed towards improvement and not wallowing in despair. With clear eyes, I see this truth about homeostasis lost due to orgasm in almost everyone around me.
I’ve had so many similar conversations with countless people, never realizing what the root cause of these issues were. In every single case I realize now that all of these people were very sexually active, using orgasm as a means to alleviate the very same problems orgasm caused, yet no one ever considered what the root cause was, myself included. Everyone can imagine a heroin user in withdrawal when quitting cold turkey, yet as a society we have not realized that we put ourselves into withdrawal when we orgasm. It brings me grave grief knowing so many people that spend all of their free time trying to assuage their dopamine withdrawal symptoms by doing more dopamine related activities or substances. The grief I feel grows deeper knowing that these people do not want to suffer from the debilitating problems of chronic dependence on dopamine highs, yet have no way of perceiving the path out. Stopping doesn’t even occur to the person suffering from withdrawal, because we spend our lives training ourselves through reward circuitry that orgasm and stimulation are wonderful and the purpose of life! Neurologists have done scans on heroin, methamphetamine and porn addicts and have found that the activation and damage to their brains look extremely similar.
Cross-tolerance is another often overlooked issue when it comes to addiction and compulsive behaviors. “One kind of intense stimulation (or its aftermath) can make someone more likely to reach for other potent stimuli, such as recreational drugs, alcohol, gambling, junk food or reckless shopping. Stimulation primes the pump, or in this case, the reward circuitry. Potent sexual stimulation, gambling, and cocaine can all offer an addict short-term relief, because they activate dopamine production.” [p. 147] This applies to basically all mammals: a study found that sexually active hamsters were more likely to consume amphetamines than their virgin counterparts.
At this point, it seems we’ve made the argument that our reward circuitry is a major factor in our behavior and perception. When we surrender to our anticipation and wanting (drugs, food or sex), the surge of dopamine creates immediate withdrawal effects. The body and mind desperately feel the further craving to alleviate the discomfort of being in withdrawal. The more one gives in to these withdrawal cravings, the more deeply one learns these habits to the point of compulsion. Mates that you have sex with frequently begin to lose their subjective appeal, the dopamine withdrawals begin to impair your judgment leading to rocky relationship woes. Eating habits become compulsive towards unhealthy (particularly sugar and carbohydrate rich) foods that cause more dopamine surges, shutting off your brain’s ability to act on the fact that these foods are making you gain weight. High dopamine means high motivation, but impaired judgment. These symptoms once drove our nomadic ancestors to constantly be moving toward potentially better mates or places for survival, yet in our very stationary modern lives it serves us no purpose other than to enslave us to artificial stimulation. Additionally, it would appear that nearly all mood disorders (bipolar, depression, etc) implicate the reward circuitry and its related structures. We have to remember this vital fact before we can be free of compulsive behaviors: Addiction is learned. The longer you train your brain to seek relief through intense stimulation (sexual or otherwise), the harder it becomes to stop because you’ve trained your brain to think illogically.
“It matters where we seek our stimulation in the present, because those things automatically direct our future attention.” (page 150)
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow concludes with a large section about rebuilding dopamine and oxytocin pathways related to sex and human contact through bonding exercises and karezza, a method of orgasm-less sex. Unfortunately, I won’t be elaborating on these aspects today, though it will be the subject of future lessons (when you’re older!). However, if the contents of this lesson resonate with you, don’t hesitate to check out Marnia Robinson’s book for a clear and straightforward illumination on a problem I imagine plagues many of the population. Ultimately, it comes down to your individual experience. If you may be victim to this cycle, the best way to alleviate the madness is the stop the dopamine bursts. Would you be able to go without orgasm for more than two weeks, or are you a victim of your own pleasures? I imagine that understanding and controlling the dopamine and passion cycle will be a lifelong process, and one not wholly unique to us:
The rain could turn to gold
And still your thirst would not be slaked.
Desire is unquenchable
Or it ends in tears, even in heaven.
-Excerpt from the Dhammapada, “The Man Who is Awake”